Cremation & Remembrance
“Everyone grieves in a different way.” For me, that is more than just a familiar expression. Three generations of my family have provided funeral services for our community, so from my unique vantage point, I’ve observed countless individuals experiencing grief.
I just spoke to a woman who lost her husband three years ago and still struggles with loss. As for me, I recently experienced renewed feelings of grief for a loved one I lost seven years ago. Why do we experience these strong reactions, so many years later?
I’m not a grief counselor, so I can’t offer an “expert” opinion. However, I’ve noticed that if there is a final, permanent resting place that those left behind can visit, that simple fact can change the way some people grieve.
When I traveled to Portugal with a friend, our first stop was to the grave of her father. At that spot – which she tries to visit once a year – she symbolically lays down all her painful feelings, then leaves them there. After that, she can go on with her life, with a lighter step.
Instead of spontaneously bursting into tears at a traffic light or the cash register, I wish I had a similar place I could visit, for all the people in my life who chose not to have a final resting place. Many of us say, “When I’m gone, don’t make a fuss over me.” We think we’re making our loved ones’ lives easier, but I know from experience that sometimes just the opposite is true.
A permanent resting place helps family and friends experience comfort and closure, and even maintain a kind of relationship with their loved one. That individual is still “there,” just in a different way.
I think of another friend who lost her mother when she was eight years old. Her mother’s remains were scattered “somewhere” – a fact that still haunts my friend, who struggles with profound longing and a sense of rootlessness. There is nowhere she can go to be “with” her mother.
In my professional capacity, I’ve been surprised by the way some people handle cremated remains. Sometimes they even throw them over the railing at the back of the cemetery! Of course, they’d never dream of doing that to a body in a casket. I believe that matter changes form, but never dies. Those cremated remains are still your loved one, just in a different form.
No doubt, some disagree. Diversity of experience is important. Which is why, more than ever before, there are options that take everyone’s wishes and feelings into consideration. Funeral directors and cemetery employees are there to share their wealth of information and experience. These experts are available to help you can make these highly personal decisions now.
And as you can see, sometimes these decisions “live on” long after we are gone.
